American History Se-X

You are sick. You are twisted. But you are not unique in this sense as we all have contemplated what you will soon ponder, be it the sheer logistics of what I'm about to dispel or even the actuality that what you're about to learn is, indeed, actual.

Hopefully this is the first, last and only encounter with said information you will ever need. If not, may you soon find religion, for to pursue these ordinances further would undoubtedly lead you behind bars - and I'm not even joking.

Here we go.

In the state of Washington it is perfectly legal for a man to have sex with an animal. Of course, to stay within those legal boundaries, that animal must weigh less than 40 pounds.

Jesus Christ.

Our dear neighbors to the left apparently have it worse off than Idaho. In the past, when friends set off to Spokane in hopes of "chasing tail," I simply assumed they were trying to get laid - by a female human, no doubt. I never considered they were chasing literal tail: the kind that wagged. Or barked.

Or had sex?

At times I find myself in sheer awe of the majestic wordplay that encompasses our legal jargon. Nevertheless, we must always understand that certain laws were enacted in the course of American history for our safety. When the courtroom sharks over in Olympia debated where to set the weight limit in this little doosey of a decree, I can only hope they did not speak from experience.

There's more. Minnesota's government went beyond just a weight limit for bestiality: It is illegal for a man to have intimate sexual relations with a live fish.

Can intimacy secretly be code for foreplay? Thus, if men in Minnesota (of course, women aren't even mentioned in this law; equal rights, my ass) skip the fooling around, can they legally go straight to the nookie sans getting said fish in the "mood?"

Yet, what concerns me further is they injected the most key remark in this declaration, "live." What about dead fish? Are they fair game?

Jackpot! Washingtonians unite. How many fish weigh more than 40 pounds? Now I didn't go looking for these laws; they seriously found me. And I don't mean that the cops caught me serenading Flipper.

Seriously, I swear!

I was actually directed to an article penned by Yvonne Fulbright of Fox News, where she shared these many other disturbing and sexual legal trends. She discerned that the United States bans more activity concerning our genitalia than all the European nations - combined!

Of course, low and behold, after a bit more research on my part, I found dear ole' Coeur d'Alene among the nation's oddest sex laws.

Now, the animal kingdom isn't as involved with The City by the Lake as it is in Washington and Minnesota. (Quick side-note: Some U.S. laws don't even involve humans. In Ventura County, Calif., cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. Even worse, in Fairbanks, Alaska, moose cannot fornicate on city streets.)

Anyway, as far as the cops in Coeur d'Alene are concerned, they must abide by the following regulation: When an officer stumbles upon a couple "doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel" in their car, he must pull his vehicle behind , honk three times and wait two minutes before investigating further.

It could be worse, I guess.

Back to that mesmerizing legal jargon I so affectionately admire. Washington once again takes the cake. There literally exists a law prohibiting sex involving a virgin under any circumstance. Reproduction be damned; everybody must die with their "V-card" un-punched. (Perhaps this is why they're allowed to diddle the family dog?)

In Bakersfield, Calif., anyone having sex with Satan (yes, Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, Mr. 666 himself) must use a condom. The State of Nevada goes further, proclaiming sex without a condom illegal in any case - I assume this means whether boinking the devil or the Holy son.

Needless to say, let me reiterate how sick and twisted you are, how ungodly disgusting you should feel at this very moment, and why you suddenly noticed you're having heat flashes.

In the preceding 700 words of this column, you intrinsically imagined, in vivid detail no less, a man making love to a fish in Minnesota, you pictured a guy poking a pork in the Evergreen State and who knows what you daydreamed about those moose in Alaska.

I dare not dream of your warped delusions involving man's best friend in Ventura County.

But have solace, my friend, for now you know there's a two-minute window for you to finish up in your car whilst parked in Coeur d'Alene. And, suffice it to say, you know what not to do when visiting Minneapolis.