You are sick. You are twisted. But you are not unique in this sense as we all have contemplated what you will soon ponder, be it the sheer logistics of what I'm about to dispel or even the actuality that what you're about to learn is, indeed, actual.
Hopefully this is the first, last and only encounter with said information you will ever need. If not, may you soon find religion, for to pursue these ordinances further would undoubtedly lead you behind bars - and I'm not even joking.
Here we go.
In the state of Washington it is perfectly legal for a man to have sex with an animal. Of course, to stay within those legal boundaries, that animal must weigh less than 40 pounds.
Jesus Christ.
Our dear neighbors to the left apparently have it worse off than Idaho. In the past, when friends set off to Spokane in hopes of "chasing tail," I simply assumed they were trying to get laid - by a female human, no doubt. I never considered they were chasing literal tail: the kind that wagged. Or barked.
Or had sex?
At times I find myself in sheer awe of the majestic wordplay that encompasses our legal jargon. Nevertheless, we must always understand that certain laws were enacted in the course of American history for our safety. When the courtroom sharks over in Olympia debated where to set the weight limit in this little doosey of a decree, I can only hope they did not speak from experience.
There's more. Minnesota's government went beyond just a weight limit for bestiality: It is illegal for a man to have intimate sexual relations with a live fish.
Can intimacy secretly be code for foreplay? Thus, if men in Minnesota (of course, women aren't even mentioned in this law; equal rights, my ass) skip the fooling around, can they legally go straight to the nookie sans getting said fish in the "mood?"
Yet, what concerns me further is they injected the most key remark in this declaration, "live." What about dead fish? Are they fair game?
Jackpot! Washingtonians unite. How many fish weigh more than 40 pounds? Now I didn't go looking for these laws; they seriously found me. And I don't mean that the cops caught me serenading Flipper.
Seriously, I swear!
I was actually directed to an article penned by Yvonne Fulbright of Fox News, where she shared these many other disturbing and sexual legal trends. She discerned that the United States bans more activity concerning our genitalia than all the European nations - combined!
Of course, low and behold, after a bit more research on my part, I found dear ole' Coeur d'Alene among the nation's oddest sex laws.
Now, the animal kingdom isn't as involved with The City by the Lake as it is in Washington and Minnesota. (Quick side-note: Some U.S. laws don't even involve humans. In Ventura County, Calif., cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. Even worse, in Fairbanks, Alaska, moose cannot fornicate on city streets.)
Anyway, as far as the cops in Coeur d'Alene are concerned, they must abide by the following regulation: When an officer stumbles upon a couple "doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel" in their car, he must pull his vehicle behind , honk three times and wait two minutes before investigating further.
It could be worse, I guess.
Back to that mesmerizing legal jargon I so affectionately admire. Washington once again takes the cake. There literally exists a law prohibiting sex involving a virgin under any circumstance. Reproduction be damned; everybody must die with their "V-card" un-punched. (Perhaps this is why they're allowed to diddle the family dog?)
In Bakersfield, Calif., anyone having sex with Satan (yes, Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, Mr. 666 himself) must use a condom. The State of Nevada goes further, proclaiming sex without a condom illegal in any case - I assume this means whether boinking the devil or the Holy son.
Needless to say, let me reiterate how sick and twisted you are, how ungodly disgusting you should feel at this very moment, and why you suddenly noticed you're having heat flashes.
In the preceding 700 words of this column, you intrinsically imagined, in vivid detail no less, a man making love to a fish in Minnesota, you pictured a guy poking a pork in the Evergreen State and who knows what you daydreamed about those moose in Alaska.
I dare not dream of your warped delusions involving man's best friend in Ventura County.
But have solace, my friend, for now you know there's a two-minute window for you to finish up in your car whilst parked in Coeur d'Alene. And, suffice it to say, you know what not to do when visiting Minneapolis.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
NIC wrongly fired Bryan, says AAUP
In a landmark decision by the American Association of University Professors, NIC wrongly dismissed part-time English instructor Jessica Bryan after the 2007 fall semester. The non-reappointment of Bryan was found to violate AAUP policy.
Although she taught for 13 straight semesters, even being nominated for the 2007 Part-Time Faculty of the Year Award, Bryan was informed via e-mail that she would be teaching no classes in 2008. According to the AAUP report, courses she previously held were given to less experienced instructors and the college hired new faculty the following fall.
After a lengthy investigation, the AAUP found NIC in disregard of the provisions on part-time faculty appointments set forth in Regulation 13 of the Association's Recommended Institutional Regulations on Academic Freedom and Tenure.
Under Regulation 13, Bryan was entitled to notice of her non-reappointment at least a month before the end of the fall 2007 semester, a statement of reasons for her termination and an opportunity for faculty review of the decision.
"We have no job security," said Bryan on being a part-time instructor, "no benefits and, most importantly, no rights or safeguards of academic due process. However, most of us have the same degree and do the same amount of work."
She added, "Moreover, I felt vulnerable and, obviously, what I came to discover is this: No matter how long or how well I served my college, I was ultimately only a part-time instructor who served on a semester-by-semester basis."
According to the AAUP, NIC is the first college to be found in violation of Regulation 13, which was put in place during 2006. The regulation lays out policies and standard accepted practices involving renewal or nonrenewal of part-time instructors.
NIC, meanwhile, is sticking to its steadfast response: "Ms. Bryan was an adjunct instructor whose contract was to teach a specific course for a specific semester," said John Martin, vice president for Community Relations and Marketing. "Due to the need for flexibility to address changing student needs, the college cannot commit to any future employment opportunities for any individual non-tenured, adjunct instructors. In the case of Ms. Bryan, she was neither tenured nor full time."
This is true even though Bryan has taught part time as well as full time via special appointment twice for six years, she said.
Associate Secretary for the AAUP, Robert Kreisler, said earlier: "This is an abject lesson in how not to treat someone who has given long-standing service to an institution."
The decision to discontinue Bryan's employment came a semester after one of her students went public concerning some political dialogue in her English class. An anti-Republican remark upset the student enough to request a refund from the college.
What's more, the AAUP report also recognizes that her relationship with the school weakened after a dispute between administrators and her husband, Keith Hunter, a tenured English instructor and former director of The Writing Center.
"What began as my husband's troubles with North Idaho College," Bryan said, "ended with my non-reappointment. But the college and its attorney would have me believe that it was simply 'business as usual.'"
In June the AAUP will decide whether to add the college to a list of censured administrations, a list that has included nearly 50 schools since 1963.
Although she taught for 13 straight semesters, even being nominated for the 2007 Part-Time Faculty of the Year Award, Bryan was informed via e-mail that she would be teaching no classes in 2008. According to the AAUP report, courses she previously held were given to less experienced instructors and the college hired new faculty the following fall.
After a lengthy investigation, the AAUP found NIC in disregard of the provisions on part-time faculty appointments set forth in Regulation 13 of the Association's Recommended Institutional Regulations on Academic Freedom and Tenure.
Under Regulation 13, Bryan was entitled to notice of her non-reappointment at least a month before the end of the fall 2007 semester, a statement of reasons for her termination and an opportunity for faculty review of the decision.
"We have no job security," said Bryan on being a part-time instructor, "no benefits and, most importantly, no rights or safeguards of academic due process. However, most of us have the same degree and do the same amount of work."
She added, "Moreover, I felt vulnerable and, obviously, what I came to discover is this: No matter how long or how well I served my college, I was ultimately only a part-time instructor who served on a semester-by-semester basis."
According to the AAUP, NIC is the first college to be found in violation of Regulation 13, which was put in place during 2006. The regulation lays out policies and standard accepted practices involving renewal or nonrenewal of part-time instructors.
NIC, meanwhile, is sticking to its steadfast response: "Ms. Bryan was an adjunct instructor whose contract was to teach a specific course for a specific semester," said John Martin, vice president for Community Relations and Marketing. "Due to the need for flexibility to address changing student needs, the college cannot commit to any future employment opportunities for any individual non-tenured, adjunct instructors. In the case of Ms. Bryan, she was neither tenured nor full time."
This is true even though Bryan has taught part time as well as full time via special appointment twice for six years, she said.
Associate Secretary for the AAUP, Robert Kreisler, said earlier: "This is an abject lesson in how not to treat someone who has given long-standing service to an institution."
The decision to discontinue Bryan's employment came a semester after one of her students went public concerning some political dialogue in her English class. An anti-Republican remark upset the student enough to request a refund from the college.
What's more, the AAUP report also recognizes that her relationship with the school weakened after a dispute between administrators and her husband, Keith Hunter, a tenured English instructor and former director of The Writing Center.
"What began as my husband's troubles with North Idaho College," Bryan said, "ended with my non-reappointment. But the college and its attorney would have me believe that it was simply 'business as usual.'"
In June the AAUP will decide whether to add the college to a list of censured administrations, a list that has included nearly 50 schools since 1963.
Monday, February 2, 2009
How to start your very own blog (for free!)
I have never been known to keep what I ponder a secret. Since I believe that recycling paper is the most retarded, idiotic, detrimental action a human may inflict upon society, then I'm going to let you know how dimwitted, idealistic friggin' little hippies are doing more harm to this planet than good.
Much like I did on a page not dissimilar to this one last semester.
Few things bring me greater joy than sharing my opinion with others; although my greatest solace comes in knowing when those same individuals disagree with me. The excitement I boast when hearing the public actually agrees with me remains minimal -- as I am always right -- and simply expect the masses to understand this.
So I am blessed to have this newspaper as my personal forum -- my own little niche at NIC to force my opinion down unsuspecting readers' throats. Assuming they haphazardly finish reading the sometimes incoherent ramblings that make up my opinion, I am happy.
You, however, are not so lucky. You are left rebutting what you read aloud to only yourself.
It sucks, doesn't it?
But fret not, my opinionated young dumplings. Imagine a place where you could rant and rave, reflect on your life and all around it, share stories, photos, videos and experiences from all that you have to offer.
All in one place. In one website.
It's as simple as creating your own blog. And the undoubtedly best part is that you can start right now. For free. From any computer in the world.
There is no excuse not to begin your very own weblog, save for sheer laziness. I'm going to make this so simple for you that to not follow my advice is worse than recycling paper.
And you're not a hippy, are you?
WHERE TO START
There are many choices in hosting your blog, and the best all begin for free. Be sure to check out blogger.com and wordpress.com first.
Both offer pretty much the same tools. The only difference is whether you want .blogspot.com or .wordpress.com following the title of your website. (For a few bucks more, you can chop their tagline off the website altogether).
There are also blogging options through MySpace and Facebook, however, if you plan on being taken seriously in the blogosphere, I highly recommend avoiding these forums at all cost (and since I just gave you two free options, listen to me.)
WHAT TO WRITE
This is all on your shoulders. But I would definitely not oblige to you starting an anti-hippy site. But that's just my opinion. And remember, this blog is your opinion. If your heart so desires, you don't even have to write on your blog. Just share all your favorite photos. You can even upload videos.
The best part about using Blogger is you can have multiple blogs. I personally have four. You can have one for photos, one for a writing portfolio, the list is simply endless.
MAINTAIN IT
But don't forget why blogging started. (Aside from hippies trying to kill the newspaper industry with this little attraction called the "internet" to save paper).
Your blog is your own corner of the internet to say whatever your mind and heart desire. Whether it's bashing hippies or politicians, sharing family recipes and photos or even just making your diary available to the world, it's yours to have fun with. But never forget that once you get people reading it regularly, they expect you to update it accordingly.
Much like I did on a page not dissimilar to this one last semester.
Few things bring me greater joy than sharing my opinion with others; although my greatest solace comes in knowing when those same individuals disagree with me. The excitement I boast when hearing the public actually agrees with me remains minimal -- as I am always right -- and simply expect the masses to understand this.
So I am blessed to have this newspaper as my personal forum -- my own little niche at NIC to force my opinion down unsuspecting readers' throats. Assuming they haphazardly finish reading the sometimes incoherent ramblings that make up my opinion, I am happy.
You, however, are not so lucky. You are left rebutting what you read aloud to only yourself.
It sucks, doesn't it?
But fret not, my opinionated young dumplings. Imagine a place where you could rant and rave, reflect on your life and all around it, share stories, photos, videos and experiences from all that you have to offer.
All in one place. In one website.
It's as simple as creating your own blog. And the undoubtedly best part is that you can start right now. For free. From any computer in the world.
There is no excuse not to begin your very own weblog, save for sheer laziness. I'm going to make this so simple for you that to not follow my advice is worse than recycling paper.
And you're not a hippy, are you?
WHERE TO START
There are many choices in hosting your blog, and the best all begin for free. Be sure to check out blogger.com and wordpress.com first.
Both offer pretty much the same tools. The only difference is whether you want .blogspot.com or .wordpress.com following the title of your website. (For a few bucks more, you can chop their tagline off the website altogether).
There are also blogging options through MySpace and Facebook, however, if you plan on being taken seriously in the blogosphere, I highly recommend avoiding these forums at all cost (and since I just gave you two free options, listen to me.)
WHAT TO WRITE
This is all on your shoulders. But I would definitely not oblige to you starting an anti-hippy site. But that's just my opinion. And remember, this blog is your opinion. If your heart so desires, you don't even have to write on your blog. Just share all your favorite photos. You can even upload videos.
The best part about using Blogger is you can have multiple blogs. I personally have four. You can have one for photos, one for a writing portfolio, the list is simply endless.
MAINTAIN IT
But don't forget why blogging started. (Aside from hippies trying to kill the newspaper industry with this little attraction called the "internet" to save paper).
Your blog is your own corner of the internet to say whatever your mind and heart desire. Whether it's bashing hippies or politicians, sharing family recipes and photos or even just making your diary available to the world, it's yours to have fun with. But never forget that once you get people reading it regularly, they expect you to update it accordingly.
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